HERE AND NOW

Where I was yesterday or where I will be tomorrow is much less important than where I am here and now!

Have you ever met a person who seems to live in the past? Some of these people live in a glorious past in which their great achievements made them the center of attention. Others live in a dismal past in which they were totally mistreated by life. Does the world owe you something because you caught the winning football in the championship game in high school or college? Does the world owe you something because your father, or your mother, or both of your parents, or anyone else abused you as a child? Maybe, but do not hold your breath waiting for the world to pay what it owes you.

Have you ever met a person who lives in the future? Some of these people live in a glorious future in which they will be on top of the world. Others live in a dismal future which withholds from them everything that they truly deserve. Should the world treat you special now because one day you will win the lottery? Should the world treat you special now because one day it will withhold what you truly deserve? Maybe, but... you get the point.

We can learn from the past and we can plan for the future. We can LIVE in the "here and now." At any given moment I need to know: Where am I here and now? The answer to this important question includes consideration of where I came from. It also includes consideration of where I want to be in the future. To the greatest extent possible, however, it focuses on right here and right now. Where am I right here and right now, and how does this compare to where I want to be right here and right now?

Of course, the "here and now" is not a static point. It keeps rolling ahead. No matter what we do, it cannot roll backward. Nor can it stop rolling ahead. Because of this, consideration of where I am going "here and now" is much more important than consideration of where I came from "here and now."

Once we understand the primary importance of the here and now, two great burdens are lifted off our shoulders. The pack of troubles from my past becomes much lighter because I can ignore all past troubles that no longer directly affect the here and now. The pack of troubles that I will experience in the future also becomes much lighter since most of them do not directly affect the here and now.

Where am I now? Where do I want to go now? What do I need to do now to get to where I want to be now? Focus on these questions and act on them here and now, and life will become a much less confusing and oppressive experience.

CORRECT DECISIONS

Success does not prove that a decision was correct. Failure does not prove that a decision was incorrect.

Most people judge a decision by its outcome. If the decision results in a success, then they conclude that the decision was correct. If the decision results in a failure, then they conclude that the decision was incorrect. Nothing could be further from the truth!

A decision may result in success and still have been incorrect. In fact, it may have been dead wrong. A decision is dead wrong when it unnecessarily places one or more people in danger. Does this mean that a "dead wrong" decision always results in someone dying? Of course not. No matter how incorrect a decision may be, some factor or factors that cannot be controlled may result in a positive outcome. In these situations, the positive outcome is not the result of your decision. It is a result of those other factors you do not control. Your decision was wrong! It may have been dead wrong. Some uncontrolled factor saved you from yourself. Do not take credit for "dumb luck," or fate, or the Almighty controlling the world.

A decision may result in failure and still have been correct. In fact, it may have been the best possible decision given what you knew at the time that the decision needed to be made. Frequently, important decisions must be made in the absence of relevant information. A decision in the absence of relevant information may result in failure because you did not know all that you needed to know to maximize the probability of success. You may get lucky and the decision may result in success even though you did not know everything you needed to know when you needed to make the decision. You may get unlucky and the decision may result in failure because you did not know everything you needed to know when you needed to make the decision.

A decision should not be judged to be incorrect because you subsequently experienced bad luck. A decision made in a timely manner after reasonable investigation and consideration of the facts should be judged correct if it maximized the probability of success at the time it was made. A correct decision does not guarantee success, and the best decisions sometimes result in failure. Do not beat yourself up because "things went south" if your decision was correct at the time it was made provided that you followed through in a reasonable manner after making the decision.

Should you beat yourself up if you made an incorrect decision at the time that the decision needed to be made? Should you beat yourself up if you did not follow through in a reasonable manner after making the decision? There is no doubt that good people are tempted to do so under those conditions. In fact, I have done so many times myself.

What did I accomplish by beating myself up after I made a bad decision or after I failed to follow through? Nothing positive. Beating myself up cannot change the outcome, and it certainly does not make me a better decision maker. Nor does it improve my ability to follow through after my decisions.

Instead of beating myself up, I have learned to analyze my mistakes. Some of those mistakes may have involved deciding in the absence of relevant information when I still had the time and the opportunity to gather more information. Some of those mistakes may have involved insufficient consideration given to a complex set of circumstances. Some of those mistakes may have involved negligence in following through after a decision was made.

If a mistake is made, it is important to correct it. If it is too late to correct it, at least I can learn from it and reduce the probability that I will make a similar mistake in the future.

We each succeed at times, and we each fail at times. A primary difference between those of us who are exceptionally successful and those of us who are not is that exceptionally successful people learn from their successes and from their failures and move on. Neither gloating about one's successes nor being despondent about one's failures has anything to do with being exceptionally successful.

TAKING IT WITH YOU

The only thing worthwhile that I will take with me when I die is my good name. Interestingly, my good name is also the only worthwhile thing I will leave behind.

A wise man who lived about eighteen hundred years ago was on his deathbed surrounded by his students. He appeared to be agonizing over something. Assuming that he was in pain, one of his students asked if there was anything that he could do to make the wise man more comfortable. "No," the wise man answered. "My agony is not physical. I only regret that I leave behind two bushels of grain."

Two bushels of grain did not constitute much of an estate even eighteen hundred years ago. What about leaving behind two bushels of grain caused the wise man so much agony?

Whether the story is true or not does not matter. There is an important lesson to be learned. Whatever activities we spend our time and effort on in this world that does not improve our good names cannot be taken with us and is thus wasted time and effort. Allegorically, the two bushels of grain represent the time and effort each of us spends accumulating possessions that we really do not need. Time and effort spent in this way is time and effort that would have been better spent on doing good for others and improving our good names.

When I die, I will leave behind many things. The only thing I will take with me when I meet my maker is my good name based on my good deeds. Paradoxically, the only thing worthwhile that I will leave behind is my good name based on my good deeds.

Once I recognize this simple truth, how I evaluate my use of time and effort will never be the same.

WORN-OUT PHRASES

It was a pleasure to serve you! NOT!

How many times a day do we say things that we do not really mean? Many! Why do we do this? Repetitive social situations go more smoothly when we do things by rote following well-worn language formulas. "Servers" (formerly known as waiters and waitresses) serve people so many times per day, it is easier to use the same formulaic responses over and over again. Eventually, these well-worn phrases become worn-out phrases with little or no meaning.

In the behavioral health business, serving people is a major part of what we do. In fact, it is the only thing we do that really counts. Some of the people we serve are very difficult. Because our organization's mission is to serve people with the most serious and complex disorders, we work with more than our "fair share" of these difficult people. Is it ever a pleasure to serve them?

Perhaps the word "pleasure" is the wrong word in this question. Maybe we need to answer the question, "Is it ever rewarding to serve people with the most serious and complex disorders?” I think the answer is “YES!” but this may be a true answer only when given by a special kind of person. I believe that it takes a very special kind of person to find reward in this most challenging field of work.

Over the years, it has been a great privilege for me to know many people who have dedicated their professional lives to enabling some of the most challenging individuals to live a life of dignity. Most people would find the types of activities that are a daily part of the work performed by these people to be degrading. These special people experience their work very differently. Instead of looking at the activities that they perform, they look at the improvements in the lives of the people they support. These improvements are great, especially when compared to the horrendous conditions many of them experienced while confined to institutions. Is it a pleasure to serve people with the most serious and challenging disorders? Almost certainly not. Is it highly rewarding? If looked at from the proper perspective how could it not?!

WORRY

Trouble is bad enough when it gets here.

As the leader of our organization, I speak with many people who are worried. These worries always seem to be about some possible catastrophe that may happen sometime in the future. That future may be coming tomorrow or even this afternoon. It may be months or even years away.

Worrying about a problem is not the same as preparing for it. In fact worrying is an activity that usually prevents people from preparing. Preparing involves gathering information, analyzing the problem and its components, and preparing alternative responses. Worrying involves ... worrying.

Worrying also frequently involves "catastrophizing." Something really bad is going to happen and then my whole life will be messed up. When my life is messed up, then the lives of all the people I love will be messed up. How can I possibly survive that?!!!!

You can. How do I know? I went through a real catastrophe. It was terrible. It was also painful and embarrassing. During the extended period that it lasted, I reached the point multiple times where I seriously questioned my ability to continue. Yet, I did continue, and the catastrophe abated. I am still here, and so is our organization. In fact, we are stronger and better than ever, and we are getting stronger and better all the time.

Although I experienced a real catastrophe, I have found that real catastrophes are much rarer than most people think. Almost any serious problem can become a catastrophe. Fortunately, this almost never happens. I have seen people worry and "catastrophize" about problems that we face in our organization thousands of times. Only one really became a catastrophe, and we survived that one too!

Trouble will get here. There is no doubt about that, and it will be bad enough when it does. But trouble is not a catastrophe. It may be uncomfortable to experience the trouble. It may be difficult to resolve the trouble. But we can and we will resolve it. We always do.

I understand that you are worried even though I am not. Tell me what you are worried about. How might this affect us? What can we do to prepare for it? How can we respond? Who should?

GONE

Nothing is ever really gone. Nothing is ever really used up. Do I really need this stuff?

Did you ever throw something "away"? Of course you have. So have I. But where is "away"? If you live near a garbage dump, "away" is not very far at all. You can throw something out so that it is not where you are, but you can never really throw something away. Wherever you throw it, it is someplace, and every place is too close to someone.

The underlying problem is that nothing gets "used up." In reality, “stuff” stops being useful. There is always so much useless stuff left when we decide to dispose of the items we have acquired. Even after we use up the toothpaste, the tube is left. So is the box or can or bag that our food and household items come in. A "used-up" car is just as big as a new car. Some of the car may be recyclable, but there is always too much that is left and cannot be recycled.

I wish there was a place that was "away" so we could get rid of that leftover stuff but there really isn't. All that useless stuff has to go somewhere, and somewhere is getting closer and closer to where I am and where you are.

The underlying problem is that we have defined "need" all too broadly. We seem to "need" so much stuff. How did people live 100 years ago or even 50 years ago when there was so much less stuff? I don't know, and I need more stuff RIGHT NOW! If only we needed less stuff, there would be less useless stuff left over when we were done with the stuff we really need.

Wouldn't it be nice if we left someplace for our descendants to put all the useless stuff that they no longer need?

TRUST

If someone showed that she was trustworthy for 20 years, you would think that you could really trust her. Think again.

People who know me well know that I have changed a lot over the years. When I first started my business, I wanted to control everything. Over the years, I have found that I cannot grow my business and completely control it at the same time. Growing my business has required me to delegate a lot of authority and independence to hundreds of people. This delegation of authority and independence requires me to trust in each and every one of the people who have acquired authority and independence within the business. Over the years, the trust I have placed in others has paid off handsomely in the growth of the business, in their growth, and in the growth of the people we support.

With few exceptions, the trust I have placed in people has been well placed. People earn my trust through their hard work and dedication. They retain it the same way. Of course, I have occasionally misplaced trust. A few individuals who I thought could be trusted turned out to be dishonest. When this is discovered, I am always disturbed. How could I have been so wrong?

Recently, a person who had been a valued and highly trusted individual within our organization was found to have embezzled several thousand dollars. She had worked for our organization for more than 20 years and had assumed a variety of positions of authority. She always had displayed a high degree of integrity, at least it seemed that she had. Perhaps more importantly, she always seemed to hold people with serious and complex disabilities in high regard. She seemed to understand and to have internalized our very strong commitment to treating all people with the high level of respect that we each deserve. We were most surprised to find that most of the money she had embezzled was the limited funds owned by the very people she was charged with protecting. Talk about disrespect!

Did she fool us all those years? I do not think so. During the investigation, we found that recently she had been going through many difficult life changes including a divorce, losing her house, etc. These life changes seemed to have changed who she was.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe the difficult challenges she faced more recently brought out who she really is and always was. I do not know. Some judgments are best left for the Almighty.

One judgment that I cannot leave for the Almighty is whether or not to prosecute an individual in this situation. I am sure that by now everyone knows my decision. Regardless of past dedication to the agency, we will prosecute anyone who commits fraud against the agency and/or against the people we support.

Should I stop trusting people based on these disappointments? No! Most people deserve to be trusted and use this trust to do good things for themselves, the organization, and most importantly the people we support.

I will continue to trust, and I will continue to respond with appropriate action when someone inevitably violates my trust.

HAIR

Here today, gone tomorrow.

I was visiting a middle-aged male acquaintance not long ago, and he started talking for the hundredth time about how thick his hair is. This topic was not particularly interesting the first time he brought it up. It had become quite absurd by the second or third time he went on about it. In an effort to see how far he would take this non-issue, I asked him if he had noticed that I too had thick hair. He replied, "Yes, but mine is thicker."

Does it really matter whether or not your hair is thick or thin? Does it even matter if you have or do not have hair? To a man whose hairline is starting to recede, baldness may be an issue of concern. But how thick your hair is?

People are involved in all too many issues that have little or no real significance. Talking about these issues may be a way to pass the time, but at some point you need to ask the question, "So what?"

There are many issues that really matter. I am not suggesting that we talk about them all the time. In fact, talking about important issues can be totally meaningless if no positive action is ever taken. I am suggesting that talk not be limited to the meaningless. Once in a while, substantive issues must be discussed. More importantly, substantive issues must be acted on. Today would be a good time to start. How about now?

110 PERCENT

It is possible to operate at 110 percent for a short period of time.

We generally think of 100 percent as the maximum of any given standard. One hundred percent means "everything." How can something be more than "everything"?

In some cases, 100 percent does mean "everything." In these cases, the maximum standard is 100 percent, and more than 100 percent cannot be achieved. For example, I cannot make a cash donation to a charity right now that is greater than 100 percent of the cash I have on me.

Of course, I can make a pledge to give more than 100 percent of the cash I have on me. This pledge may be many times that 100 percent standard. By redefining the standard, we can enlarge it. If the standard is the amount of cash I have on me, 100 percent is a relatively small amount. If the standard is the amount I can pledge now and pay later, then 100 percent is a much larger amount.

Redefining the standard is only one way to exceed 100 percent of a standard. Most standards involve the maximum that can be sustained over time. For example, all sports cars have a "red line" on their tachometer that defines the maximum revolutions per minute that the engine can sustain without burning out. If the engine revolves faster than that standard for more than a short time, the engine will "seize" and require extensive repairs. But what happens if the engine exceeds that 100 percent standard for a few seconds? The tachometer needle passes the red line, the car goes faster, and NOTHING else! One hundred percent of a standard like that can be exceeded for a short period of time with no significant damage.

The same is true when the standard involves how hard I can work to fulfill my responsibilities. There is a level of hard work that will cause me to "burn out" if I sustain that level for an extended period. Let's call that level of work 100 percent of my capacity for work. I cannot exceed that level of work for long without causing significant damage to myself either physically, psychologically, or both.

When I need to, I can exceed that 100 percent standard for a period of time. Emergencies happen. Resolving an emergency may require me - or you - to give 110 percent. I can do it and so can you as long as that level of work is required only for a short period of time.

In exceptional situations, a person can actually accomplish 200 percent or even 1,000 per cent of his normal capacity for a very short period of time. A father who sees his child trapped under a fallen refrigerator may lift that refrigerator off the child without thinking. Under normal circumstances, this is totally impossible. Saving my child's life is far from a normal circumstance to me, and I will do whatever it takes right here and now to accomplish that goal. I will leave contemplation of my limited capacity for another time and place.

HUMILITY

Humility is not about denying who I am. It is about knowing who I am not.

Is there anything wrong with knowing who I am? …what I have accomplished in the past? …what I am capable of accomplishing in the future? I do not think so.

I believe that each person is obligated to work very hard to know who he is, what he has accomplished in the past, and what he is capable of accomplishing in the future. The answers to these critical questions enable each person to set realistic goals for future achievements. The Almighty wants me to accomplish more with my life. He wants the same from you. You and I each need to know the answers to these and other difficult questions to come as close as possible to achieving what the Almighty wants from each of us.

Of course, bragging about who I am, what I have accomplished in the past, and/or what I am capable of accomplishing in the future contributes very little to knowing the answers to these questions. In my experience, people who brag about how important they are, what they have accomplished in the past, and what they are capable of accomplishing in the future have not really answered these questions effectively. Alternatively, they have answered the questions and found themselves inadequate. Bragging is all about covering up my inadequacies. (Yes, to my shame, I was one of those guys.) Bragging has nothing to do with making effective plans to maximize my chances of achieving what the Almighty wants me to achieve.

Knowing who I am NOT is also very important. I am NOT the Almighty’s gift to humanity. The world existed before I was born and will continue to exist after I am gone. In fact, the world could have existed even if I had never been born.

Is the world a little better because of what I have contributed during my life? We all hope that the answer to this question when applied to each of us is “yes.” Realistically, we need to recognize that no one person makes that much of a difference – with very few exceptions. What is the probability that you or I will have the impact of a Moses, a Jesus, a Mohammad, a Buddha, etc.? Let’s get real! The probability is zero. This thought should be humbling and relieving at the same time. It should be humbling because it should make us realize that almost no one is all that important. It should be relieving because it puts my responsibilities in perspective. I am not responsible to change the whole world, just to be the best me I can be. When you think about it, this actually is a unique opportunity. No one can be a better me than I can be.

Of course, I can fail to be the best me that I can be. In fact, I can fail at this miserably. But let’s be realistic. The absolutely best me I can be is less, perhaps much less, than the theoretical best me. I am human! I fail to achieve my very best at times. The Almighty is very aware of this human condition. He knows that almost no one becomes the absolutely best theoretical person he could be. The Almighty expects me to try to become the best real person (as opposed to theoretical person) I can be. He is willing to make allowances for my human frailties. He is willing to make allowances for your human frailties as well as everyone else’s.

When you think about it, maybe the Almighty is sending us a message. He, in His Absolute Greatness, is willing to make allowances for our frailties. Perhaps, we should do the same for our fellow man. Isn’t that what humility is really about?

I CAN’T. YOU HAVE TO!

Did you ever meet someone who acted so humble yet was totally unaware of the needs and wants of others?

People like this act as if they are nothing, yet expect everyone else to focus immediately and exclusively on their needs and wants. They seem to be unaware that other people also have needs and wants. Their logic, if you can call it that, seems to go like this: “I am nothing, and I have nothing. Everyone else is much luckier than I am and has much more than I have. I cannot take responsibility for myself. Everyone else must focus on me because I am so needy.”

When others respond to their demands with an expectation that they at least contribute to meeting their own needs, their response always is, “I would if I could, but I can’t.” When others suggest that they cannot drop everything else and focus exclusively on meeting their needs, these people respond, “You can, but you just do not want to help me.” They seem to live by a simple philosophy of life: I can’t. You have to!

Some of these people are exceptionally charming. They have learned how to manipulate other peoples’ feelings of pity and guilt to get what they want. Many of us respond to them the way they want, by meeting their needs. This, of course, reinforces their behavior, and they learn to demand more and more from others and less and less from themselves. Eventually, they do not even try to do anything they find difficult. From that point on, they become almost completely dependent on others.

In a way, their belief system is congruent with humility. They really do believe that they are much more limited than everyone else. In another way, their belief system is totally incongruent with humility. A truly humble person focuses on helping others, not demanding that others drop everything and focus on helping “me.” People with this belief system act as if they are the center of the universe. “I am so humble” and “the world revolves around me” are not compatible sentiments.

I wish I had a good approach to handling people like this that I could recommend to others. I do not. The beginning of a solution seems to require two realizations. First, reinforcing another person’s dependence by constantly doing things the other person could accomplish independently may be an act of pity but is not an act of kindness. Second, each of us is responsible to be aware of and respond to the needs and wants of others. This responsibility, however, does not require anyone to become overly involved in another person’s pathology.

As in everything else in life, each of us must learn to balance our responsibilities to others with our responsibilities to ourselves.

RULE TWO

Once you have won, take your seat!

I was involved in a very antagonistic court case several years ago. Toward the end of the trial, my attorney stood up and began to give his closing arguments. No more than a minute or two into his presentation, the judge interrupted him in mid-sentence and said in an emphatic tone, “Rule two!” My attorney immediately became quiet and sat down.

I, of course, was quite upset. Why didn’t the judge let my attorney present our closing arguments, I wanted to know. As I bent over angrily to my attorney, he grabbed my arm and “shushed” me forcefully. I bit my lip and contained myself from jumping up and arguing with the judge.

Shortly, thereafter, the judge ruled in our favor.

As we left the courtroom, I asked my lawyer, “What did the judge mean by ‘rule two’?”

He answered, “Rule two is: When you have won, take your seat.”

“So what is rule one?” I asked.

“Rule one is: Get your fee in advance,” he answered.

Too often, people continue to fight even after they have won. This is totally counterproductive. Fighting takes enormous quantities of emotional energy. Why waste so much energy for no reason? Continuing to fight after you have won prevents the situation from returning to normal and prevents the healing process from starting.

There is no need to beat the other guy down once you have won. On the contrary, once you have won, the time to make amends has arrived.

EXPERTS

Experts are great at solving problems the way they have learned to solve problems. They are much less adept at solving problems in new and creative ways. They are least adept at solving problems in ways that are best for me..

There are many situations that require expert solutions. In these situations, it is imperative to consult one or more qualified experts in each of the applicable field(s). Most people think they have fulfilled their responsibilities once they have done so. I do not! Experts can only provide solutions from their in-depth but narrow perspectives. There are always multiple perspectives to every problem, and there are always multiple solutions from every perspective. If we only listen to some experts, we miss other expert and “non-expert” but potentially valuable solutions. Moreover, we are very unlikely to hear of new and creative solutions.

We have all spoken to someone who had a back problem, for example. When these people consult a back surgeon, the most frequent solution recommended, not surprisingly, is back surgery. Many of these people turn to alternative health practitioners and wind up getting relief, at least for a time, using less invasive procedures. Was the back surgeon merely a “money-grubbing” doctor who only cares about lining his pockets with cash? Perhaps, but not necessarily so. From the back surgeon’s perspective, back surgery may be the most effective intervention. But there are other professional perspectives. From those other professional perspectives, a less invasive approach may be the most effective intervention.

There are also nonprofessional perspectives. The most important nonprofessional perspective for me is my perspective. The most important nonprofessional perspective for you is your perspective. No matter what professional advice we receive, no matter how good that advice may be from an objective standpoint, the subjective perspective of the individual is at least as important a consideration as the objective perspectives in choosing the best solution.

Using the back surgery example again: Even if the back surgeon is correct and back surgery is the objectively best solution for my back problem, it may not be the correct solution from my subjective perspective. I may be afraid of surgery. I may have limited tolerance for the intense pain during the recovery period even if the overall pain will be reduced in the long run. My daughter may be getting married shortly and I do not want to miss dancing at her wedding. My wife may be experiencing an even greater medical problem and she needs me to help her in ways that I will be unable to do during the recovery period. Subjective considerations are all about me and my life. Only I am able to balance all those subjective considerations against the objective expert considerations and determine the best solution for me at this particular time.

Many of us are reluctant to disagree with an expert. After all, they know so much about this type of problem and we know so little about it. While this is true, we must separate the importance of what they say from an objective standpoint and the importance of what they say from a subjective standpoint. No matter how great an expert’s knowledge about a particular problem from an objective standpoint, my subjective knowledge about the problem far exceeds his or hers. I should be very reluctant to argue with an expert about the objective issues of the problem. I should have no such reluctance when discussing the subjective issues of the problem.

Decisions are almost never totally objective. I must always have the confidence to value my thoughts about the subjective issues that underlie every problem. In the end, I am the one who must live with my decision.

HUMBLE

I have never understood how being honored in public can be a humbling experience.

I have attended more than my fair share of dinners that honor people for making a large financial contribution to a charity or public institution. Frequently, in responding to the praise heaped upon the person during the event, the honoree notes that he “is humbled by the experience” of being honored. I have always wondered what that means.

The word “humble” as an adjective as in, “He is humble,” means “meek.” Do these fabulously wealthy individuals really want us to believe that their response to being profusely praised is “meekness”? Maybe they do, but I do not buy this for a moment.

Humble as a verb as in, “He was humbled by the experience,” means “humiliated.” I find it even less likely that these wealthy people feel humiliated by all the lavish praise.

The word humble is derived from the Latin word that means “ground.” In a sense, humble means to feel no more valuable than the ground we walk on. When the patriarch Abraham spoke to the Almighty, no doubt a very humbling experience, he commented, “I am earth and ashes.” In the presence of the Almighty, we all would feel very meek.

Interestingly, the Hebrew word for man, Adam, is derived from the Hebrew word meaning ground. According to the book of Genesis, this is because the Almighty created man out of earth, and as we all know we all return to the earth when our time is complete. The message seems to be clear: We should not think too much of ourselves. Humility is always in order.

While humility is always in order, there may be another lesson to be learned from the Hebrew word Adam. The angels are very holy creatures created by the Almighty to perform in His service. They are created holy and act in holy ways during their entire existence. They act the way they act because the Almighty did not give them any choice. They do what the Almighty created them to do and only what the Almighty created them to do.

Man’s origins are much more humble. Nevertheless, the Almighty gave us choice. We can choose to follow our earthy natures and indulge ourselves with little regard for others or for the Almighty’s wishes. Alternatively, we can choose to make the world a better place, each in our own way. When we do, we fly very high, much higher than the angels. Our humble origins and our humble destiny enhance the greatness of our achievements while we are alive.

Humility is always in order. So is striving for greatness. The Hebrew word Adam teaches us that we are capable of being humble and still strive for greatness. No doubt, this synthesis of humility and greatness is very difficult to achieve. It must still be the ultimate goal for each of us.

OPPOSITIONAL VS. CONTRARIAN

Doing the opposite of what others do is not the same as analyzing situations in a contrarian manner to arrive at more effective alternative responses.

In the past, when I encountered oppositional people I was very happy. I believed that I shared much in common with these people. I, too, frequently respond to situations in contrarian ways that other people find startling.

Over the years, I have revised my feelings in this regard. True, I respond to many situations in unique ways. In some respects, this is very similar to the ways that oppositional people respond. But being oppositional and being contrarian are polar opposites in a critical way.

People who are oppositional behave the way they do to be different. The effectiveness of the response is not critical. As long as it is opposite of the expected, oppositional people are comfortable with the response. In many cases, oppositional people respond in ways that are less effective or even disastrous just to be different.

I do not want to be different. I am different! One way that I am different is that I continuously evaluate and re-evaluate both common and unusual situations in an attempt to arrive at more effective responses. If I do not find a more effective response, I am perfectly happy to respond in the same way that most other people respond to a particular set of circumstances. Yet, I am never satisfied that the commonly accepted response is the best possible response. There are always alternative ways of responding. Can I look at a set of circumstances from a different perspective and arrive at a more effective response? I am always trying to do this.

I encourage people to experiment with alternative perspectives. I encourage people to try alternative responses in an effort to find more effective responses. This is contrarian and makes us different. It does not make us oppositional.

FORCE

I tried to force people to be independent until I realized that people who are dependent on force are not independent.

As a young entrepreneur, I thought about power a lot. To me, power seemed to be very powerful. People, who had it, got what they wanted. I wanted a lot as a young entrepreneur, and I was convinced that I needed to acquire a lot of power to get what I wanted.

My interest in the subject peaked when I heard a very powerful community leader deliver a lecture on the nature of power from the viewpoint of Prince Machiavelli, the famous 17th Century Italian nobleman who introduced the world to the notion that “power corrupts.” If power corrupts as Prince Machiavelli suggested, did I really want to be powerful, I wondered. I wanted to achieve a lot, but I also wanted to maintain my integrity. Can power and integrity co-exist?

I thought about this question for a very long time, and I have concluded that the answer is “yes,” but only if power is defined in a particular way.

To most people -- including me as a young entrepreneur -- power is the ability to force others to do what I want. This is the power of kings and others in similar positions. Kings command, and subjects comply. If subjects do not comply, they are severely punished. Prince Machiavelli suggested convincingly that this type of power, even in the hands of a person who initially has good intentions, leads inevitably to corruption.

But is this the only type of power? For a long time, I could not conceive of any other. As I grew more experienced as a consultant and as I learned more about person-centered planning and other innovative strategies in my field, I began to realize that there is another type of power. As I used this other type of power more frequently and effectively, I concluded that it is even more powerful than the more common type of power held by kings and other tyrants.

The power to influence is very different from the power to force. The power to force relies on people’s fear of punishment. As long as the people over whom I want to exert power believe that I can and will punish them, they will do what I want. If they believe that they can avoid punishment by avoiding detection of their rebellious actions or through some other means, they will do what they want, not what I want.

The power to influence is not based on my ability to punish others. Instead, it is based on others wanting to comply with the suggestions, advice, counsel, etc. of someone they respect. This respect may be based on many individual factors or on a combination of many factors. If my suggestions, advice, counsel, etc. in the past have proven to be valuable, this history of providing valuable insights may be the basis of the respect. If I am a person who is seen as particularly successful, my success may be the basis of the respect. Regardless of why I am respected, others may choose to do what I want them to do not out of fear, but because they believe that what I want and what they want are fully, or at least reasonably, congruent.

When I have the power to influence, I need not show how powerful I am. My power does not stem from displays of power. It stems from being respected as a good source of suggestions, advice, counsel, etc. When I have the power to influence, my power is not limited to circumstances where I have the ability to punish or the ability to do anything at all. My power stems from the fact that others choose to listen and consider what I have to say, what I have said in the past, and how I have acted in the past. They can and will choose to do what I want whether or not I am present and whether or not I will know or care about what they do. Alternatively, they will choose to do something that is very different from what I want but that still is congruent with the values that I have influenced them to respect. In a very real sense, when people who respect me choose to reject what I have suggested and implement some other approach that is congruent with the values I have influenced them to respect, they are doing what I suggested. My suggestions as a powerful, influential person are not commands that need to be followed to the letter. They truly are suggestions. If my suggestions are rejected but trigger creative thinking that results in alternative solutions that are better than my suggested solutions, this also is a sign of my power to influence.

I do not want to influence you to do what I want you to do. I want to influence you to implement the most effective solution that is congruent with the high ethical standards that I value.

I do not want you to do what I suggest. I want you to do what is right.