CONTROL

The Almighty has total control over the universe. Despite this, He gave up a significant component of His control by empowering man with the ability to choose. If the Almighty finds empowerment more effective than control, why am I still trying to control others?

Next time you observe two people fighting, listen carefully to their arguments. What are they fighting about? Occasionally, people fight about issues. The rest of the time, they fight about control. Parents and children, husbands and wives, supervisors and staff members, teachers and students all want to control and do not want to be controlled. Incidents and issues, most of the time, are only excuses to fight. The real battle is over control.

If the battle is over control, who is right and who is wrong is irrelevant. That is why a proposed line of reasoning, no matter how brilliant, never settles an argument. Being wrong is not a good enough reason to cede control. Even if it is, no one seems to care.

If your goal is to be in complete control, I have no suggestions for you. You will never really control anyone else completely, and your fights will be endless and futile. As any prisoner will confirm, the guards do not run the prison no matter how much power they seem to exert.

If you believe that you must control some aspects of another individual’s behavior, the most effective approach is to limit your attempts to control specifically to those issues. For example, a mother who tries to control her two-year-old child completely is destined to fight constantly and lose way too often. A mother who tries to use control to prevent her child from hurting himself and behave within very loose and broad parameters of appropriate two-year-old behaviors may succeed to a moderate degree. This does not mean that the child is in control and the mother is out of control. It does mean that the mother is trying to use control prudently and effectively.

I believe there are very few instances where trying to control someone else is the best approach to get the other person to do what needs to be done. For people who are already successful and have confidence, I have found that my involvement should be limited to two aspects of the situation. First, I attempt to ensure that the tools and resources needed to get the job done are available to the other person. Second, I get out of the way.

For people who do not yet have the requisite confidence, skills, and motivation, my job also may include helping to build his confidence, improve his skills, and motivate him to strive for excellence. This does not involve control. I cannot control someone else’s confidence and motivation. Neither can I force him to learn new skills. I can be a resource and support in all of these areas.

EXCELLENCE

There is only one step above mediocrity: better. There are many steps above excellence: better and better and …

To some people, mediocre performance is acceptable. Not everyone can be the best, they reason. If the mediocre performance was a result of a wholehearted attempt to do one’s best, I can almost agree. Almost! To me, a wholehearted attempt to do one’s best is never mediocre. In fact, in the most important way, it is excellent even if the attempt results in total failure. A wholehearted attempt to succeed is a great achievement in itself even if it does not result in an acceptable outcome.

Mediocre performance, to me, only occurs when a person does not really try to do his best when the matter is important enough to require wholehearted devotion. Even if the result of the effort appears to be acceptable in a superficial way, not trying to do one’s best regarding an important matter always is mediocre performance.

The only acceptable response to a mediocre performance by this definition is to do better, not in the sense of a better outcome, but in the sense of a better effort. To be better, the effort must be reasonably close to wholehearted. The more important the matter, the closer to wholehearted the effort must be to be better.

Excellent performance, by this definition, always is a result of a reasonably wholehearted effort. A wholehearted effort, of course, is excellent but does not guarantee an acceptable outcome. Even if the outcome is acceptable, it rarely is the absolutely best possible outcome. Many improvements in the outcome may be possible. In fact, almost all great achievements are the result of repeated wholehearted efforts that result in outcomes that are closer and closer to the optimal outcome. These progressively closer outcomes are better and better and …

PROBLEMS

Understanding the problem is half of the solution. Putting aside personal considerations, at least temporarily, is half of understanding the problem.

The most common decision-making error I observe is trying to find a solution without really understanding the problem. The problem with problems is that they are like icebergs. The tip is the only part that is observable.

If we design a solution that is based on our knowledge of the observable portion of the problem, the solution may make the problem worse even if it addresses the issues observed. Usually, a solution based on the limited observable aspects of a problem does not even address the issues observed.

I find that I need to stop premature discussion of potential solutions almost all the time. Most problems are not real emergencies and do not need immediate solutions. Even when a problem is an emergency, the emergency component of the problem should be addressed by the staff members who are directly responsible for the environment in which the emergency occurred. This is usually a rapid response that is almost reflexive in nature and is not based on any discussion of the problem. If a patient displays dangerous behaviors, for example, staff members who are directly responsible for the patient’s care must redirect the patient and ensure the safety of all. Staff members must be sufficiently trained so that this can be accomplished without any discussion of the problem, let alone the solution. Emergency procedures must be in place prior to the occurrence of emergencies. They must be implemented immediately and have little or nothing to do with solving the problem.

Once the emergency is over, a solution can be sought. This must start with a discussion of the many aspects of the problem until the problem is reasonably defined. Once the problem is reasonably defined, the solution may be self-evident. If it is not, the solution can be developed in a comprehensive manner by the decision-makers.

Reasonable definition of the problem is not as simple as it sounds. The parts of the problem that are not directly observable constitute the majority of the problem. Determining what these non-observable factors are can be difficult. Even more difficult is looking at the problem objectively. Problems almost always arouse strong emotions. Strong emotions always color what we see. They color what we cannot see even more. What we do not see, for example, is almost always more frightening than what we do see. Putting aside personal feelings and considering the problem objectively is a prerequisite for properly analyzing the problem.

SUBSTITUTES THAT FALL SHORT

Worrying about me, thinking about me, empathizing with me, and praying for me all fall short when I need you to help me, to cooperate with me, or to compromise with me.

Many people give others what they need to give rather than what others need to receive. They then think that they are acting selflessly. After all, they “give” so much. In fact, the more they “give,” the more they take. Their actions may get them what they need to get (attention from others, a reduction of guilty feelings, etc.), but they almost never really help anyone other than themselves.

There is nothing inherently wrong with worrying about me or thinking about me. Empathizing with me or praying for me may actually help me if I need your empathic support or I feel relieved by your prayers. When I need you to help me, to cooperate with me, or to compromise with me, these other actions do not provide what I need. If you do not want to help me, to cooperate with me, or to compromise with me, just say so. I am confident that I can manage without your help, cooperation or compromise. But don’t act like you are helping me by doing what you need to do when I need you to do something else. And don’t expect me to be grateful when you are indulging your needs. You are helping yourself, not me.
Help is about what the recipient needs to receive, not about what the helper needs to give.

DANGER

The perception that “I am in danger” frequently interferes with effectiveness and efficiency. Leaders reframe situations so that others do not incorrectly perceive situations as personally dangerous.

Leaders must be exceptionally aware of danger yet keep their feelings of fear under control. Recognizing danger leads to adaptive, preventative, and pre-emptive actions. Uncontrolled feelings of fear cause confusion, paralysis, and/or attempts to escape. A person who cannot control his feelings of fear cannot lead.

Leaders understand that very few “catastrophes” are as catastrophic as they appear to be. Leaders understand this because they know that hard work can fix almost any problem.

When I was in elementary school, I received multiple warnings from the principal that further infractions of school rules would result in a negative notation in my “permanent record.” Just the sound of it was ominous. If negative information was placed into my permanent record, I could not go to the right college, get the right job, marry the right girl, etc. What a catastrophe that would be! So I thought, and so thought many of my friends.

I don’t know how many negative comments are included in my permanent record, and I could not care less. As an employer of more than a thousand people, I have never had the opportunity to check someone’s permanent record. I doubt that anyone has ever checked my permanent record. Where would someone even look for a person’s permanent record? In the Bureau of Permanent Records? Where might that be located?

Many dangers that people perceive in the modern world are about as dangerous as having a negative comment in your permanent record. The threat sounds ominous but means next to nothing. Many perceived dangers are no more than uncomfortable transitory situations. If we wait enough time, the situation passes and the discomfort abates.

While these perceived dangers may not be dangerous in reality, the perception of danger frequently leads to ineffective and even maladaptive responses. Leaders must watch for signs of perceived danger and reinterpret situations so that staff can respond in adaptive and effective ways.

Leaders must also be vigilant for real dangers and take appropriate actions. Leaders may delegate many different functions, but dealing with a real danger should rarely be one of them. Real dangers are rare and complex. A leader must lead the resolution of real dangers. Delegation applies to the common and routine that can be handled by subordinates.

In the face of a real danger, a leader displays courage. This courage is not false bravado. It is based on a history of having worked hard and effectively to overcome danger in the past. Dangers, even when real, rarely result in the catastrophes that many staff members anticipate. This is not because they are not really dangerous. It is because danger can be handled with appropriate preparation, diligence and hard work.

EFFORT

To maintain a maximum effort, I must stop making a maximum effort from time to time.

When I was in rabbinic school, one of the frequently repeated legends was about the dedication of Rabbi Eliyahu, otherwise known as the Vilna Gaon (genius/scholar of Vilna). According to the legend, Rabbi Eliyahu only slept one-half hour at a time, four times a day, and spent the remaining 22 hours a day in study and prayer. Based on the exceptionally high regard for his scholarship, this approach apparently was highly effective for him.

While I never thought that I could survive very long on two hours of sleep a day, I did try to minimize my sleep and maximize the amount of time I spent in study and prayer while I was in the seminary. I do not regret this dedication. I do question whether it was the optimal approach for me.
As I have grown older, I have come to value rest not only for its own sake, but also for the effect it has on my productivity when I am working. When confronted with difficult challenges, I need to expend maximum effort to address them. Expending a maximum effort continuously may have been possible for the Vilna Gaon, but for most of us, a maximum effort can be expended only intermittently. Resting when I am not confronted with difficult challenges actually improves my ability to expend maximum effort when those difficult challenges inevitably arise.

IMPERFECTION

Compared to the Almighty’s perfection, we are all equally weak, equally needy and equally imperfect beings.

People with IQ scores of 100 think they are smarter than people with IQ scores of 50. People with IQ scores of 150 think they are even smarter. But is there any difference between IQ scores of 50, 100, and 150 to a being with an IQ score of 500? …of 1000? …of infinite intelligence? Not really.

To mortal humans with our limited skills and perspectives, human strengths and weaknesses differentiate among us. Some of us appear to be much more and others appear to be much less in many ways. These differences may appear significant to us, but they have little or no meaning to the Almighty. To Him, all of our strengths appear no different than all of our weaknesses. Everything about us is puny in comparison with the infinite that is the Almighty.

Next time you start feeling smug about your relative superiority over some other person, remember that you are not materially different than anyone else in the eyes of the Almighty. Alternatively, feelings of superiority over others may be one of the few traits that actually differentiate people from one another in the eyes of the Almighty. Your feelings of relative superiority over others may be the Almighty’s reason to consider you relatively inferior to those same people.

PRIDE

I believe that pride has gotten a bum rap because it is frequently confused with arrogance. Arrogance involves a conception of self as better than others. It is not based on exceptional accomplishments, and it is never justified. Arrogant people are self-centered and are blind to their societal responsibilities. Arrogance is bad.

Pride involves a conception of self as more accomplished than some others at least in one or more areas of achievement. When based on exceptional accomplishments, it is the rational underpinning of self-confidence. Pride and consideration for others are totally compatible. A person with pride can contribute more to society specifically because of the self-confidence that pride engenders. Pride that leads to greater accomplishments for self and others is very good indeed.

Nothing is less humble than acting humble. People who are humble do not need to act humble. Humility is part of who they are and does not require any conscious thought or overt action. People who act humble are so involved with themselves that they need to do something to show that they aren’t.

I do not act humble. Neither do I feel humble. I feel pride that I have helped and continue to help many people achieve a better life despite the extreme and complex challenges they endure. Is this statement a sign of my arrogance? Arrogant people believe that they are better than others and do not feel responsible to help those beneath themselves. I do not see people in a hierarchical fashion, and I expend an enormous amount of my time and energy on helping others. By my definition at least, I cannot be arrogant.

Yes, I have a lot of self-confidence. Yes, I think that I have accomplished more than most other people in some very significant ways. Yes, I am proud. I am even proud to be proud.

The pride that I take in my achievements and the self-confidence that it engenders have enabled me to do many good things. I do not see any problem here. Do you?