FEELINGS

The Almighty created empathy to motivate people to help each other, not so they can sit around and commiserate.

Feeling sorry for oneself from time to time is quite common. So is enjoying commiserating with others about how unfair our parents, teachers, leaders, supervisors, etc. are. Recognizing that life is a bitch and sharing this recognition with others seems to be one of life’s small pleasures. Go ahead and indulge yourself from time to time.

But do not get hungup on this truism. To the extent that it is true, there is nothing that can be done about it.

Something can be done, however, about many aspects of each person’s situation that can improve satisfaction with life. Empathizing with a person’s pain and suffering may help the person accept the pain and suffering. Once he accepts it, he may be able to act in ways that alleviate it in the future. When this is the case, empathy has accomplished what it can, and you have done what you can. Now get out of the way!

If the person still cannot accept his pain and suffering, or if he cannot yet act in ways that alleviate it, you may need to help him with further supports. This may involve advice, encouragement, a loan, a helping hand, etc. Anything that gets the person moving in the direction of taking additional control over his life is valuable at this point.

Empathy is a tool. Use it when it is needed. Put it away, once it has done its job.

FOOTBALL

The heat of the play compensates for the cold of the seat.

Did you ever wonder why rabid football fans sit outside on a hard seat in the coldest weather, even when it rains and snows, in order to watch a silly game? I have. In fact, I have often wondered why I am one of those fans. The answer is simple. People are willing to tolerate enormous sustained discomfort in exchange for periodic intense elation.

I have also wondered why more of these same people do not put up with similar sustained discomfort to achieve more in their occupations. Of course, some of the fans do tolerate sustained discomfort to achieve more in their occupations, but so many do not. Is doing well in your occupation less important than experiencing the excitement of a football game?

The difference in the discomfort level that people are willing to tolerate between football and work is not in the importance of the activity, but in the perceived probability of achieving a positive outcome in the short-term. The sustained discomfort during a football game is frequently rewarded with intense pleasure when my team makes a spectacular play. The time that I must wait between sustaining the discomfort of the cold, hard seat and the excitement and elation that occur throughout the game is very short.

In most work environments, this is not true. The discomfort workers must sustain in order to achieve the excitement and elation of a promotion or a raise or some other positive outcome occurs over such a long period of time that few are willing to tolerate any more than a minimum degree of discomfort. Exerting a maximum effort in these work environments is unlikely to be a common occurrence.

How can supervisors motivate staff to exert greater effort at work? Clearly, we must create an environment that rewards workers much more frequently for the desired behaviors. We cannot provide promotions and raises frequently enough to accomplish this goal, but we can provide real praise much more frequently. This requires that we invest significant time and effort to observe staff behaviors worthy of praise.

No matter how much effort we expend in praising staff, however, our efforts are very unlikely to result in the excitement that fans experience at a football game. We must do more than provide real praise more frequently.

The only way to get workers to feel the excitement of work at a level that comes close to the excitement of a football game is to change their attitude toward what the organization as a whole accomplishes and what they contribute individually to that accomplishment. In our organization, I work very hard to create a culture that recognizes that what we do is extremely important. We support children and adults with the most serious and complex disorders to achieve a better life! Is there any higher calling? We do this by striving for excellence, a process that involves continuous performance improvement that is everyone’s responsibility. We also do this by basing everything that we do on frequently repeated, well-articulated values that we share as members of a tight-knit organization. We do this by pointing out the exceptional accomplishments of the children and adults we support, and by acknowledging how we as an organization composed of many individuals made these accomplishments possible.

There is one another factor that increases the excitement of working for our organization. I work very hard to communicate my excitement about working for this organization. This is done with words, of course. But it is done even more with feelings that accompany the words. I experience real feelings of joy, pride, excitement, etc. when I talk about our organization whether it is in a large formal group setting, a small informal group setting, or one-on-one. Displaying our feelings along with our words models how we want staff to feel and talk about our organization.

While talking about and feeling the positive accomplishments of our organization is very important, talking and feeling the tragedies of our organization is just as important. What do we say and how do we feel when a child or adult supported by our organization regresses? When he or she experiences a great loss or tragedy? When he or she passes on? Do we talk about and feel the loss personally and collectively in a way that is indicative of our high commitment to that person, to all of the people we support, to each other? When we communicate our shared pain, we communicate our shared commitment. Sharing a genuine commitment with others within our organization can go a long way to increasing the excitement of working for our organization.

Most people do not talk about the joys and pains that they experience as part of a work organization. Even fewer show their emotions in this regard. As supervisors, we must overcome our cultural or personal aversion to expressing these thoughts and feelings. These thoughts and feelings, when genuinely shared with others within our organization, are the foundation of the excitement we need to feel to achieve a maximum effort for the people we support.

POWER

When I raise my voice, I am not showing my power. I am showing my weakness.

For many years, I was the volunteer president of the parochial school my children attended. One of my duties was to help the principal raise scholarship funds for students from less well-to-do families. The first potentially big giver we solicited for funds was a very wealthy industrialist. When we were ushered into his expansive office, I immediately noticed that he sat behind a very large desk, was wearing a very expensive Italian suit, and had an impeccable manicure. The second thing I noticed was that he spoke slowly in a very low voice. I actually had to struggle to hear what he said.

As we were leaving the building with a nice check in our hands, I asked the principal whether she also had had trouble hearing him. Her response was unforgettable. “When you are really powerful, people pay attention.”

This donor’s behavior was in stark contrast to my own. I almost always spoke rapidly in a booming voice. No one had to struggle to hear me. I always found that people listened when I spoke rapidly, loudly, and with animation. Whose approach was better, I wondered for a long time.

After considerable thought, I realized that I was asking the wrong question. Both approaches worked, albeit for different reasons. More importantly, the approaches worked for different people in different situations. I spoke loudly and with animation for a variety of reasons. On the positive side, I focused on changing people’s attitudes more than most other people. My loud voice and animated body language were tools that I used to get and maintain people’s attention while I attempted to change how they conceived of problems and issues. In the context of lecturing, my approach was much more stimulating than the average lecture. Very few people ever fell asleep when I spoke. In this context, my approach was effective.

What I learned, however, is that I do not always need to use a loud voice and animated body language. Sometimes, communication is facilitated by speaking softly and slowly. This is especially true in one-to-one situations or small groups. Talking slowly and softly forces others to pay attention in some situations. It also gives people more time to reflect on what is being said, and adjust their thoughts and beliefs accordingly.

I also learned that loud and animated talking frequently interferes with communication. For example, when I conduct an investigation into an allegation of abuse, my main goal is to listen, not to speak. Rapid, loud, and animated discussion decreases other people’s communicativeness. I need to speak slowly and softly and much less frequently to gather information from others.

This is even truer when attempting to get a subordinate to improve or correct his actions in the future. People need time to adjust their perceptions. They need time to present their side of the story and time to re-assess what they have done. They also need to be reassured that they are still valued employees even when they are told that they need to improve. Rapid, loud, and animated speech during these communications is frequently interpreted as hostile and degrading. No one ever became a better employee because he perceived that he had a hostile and degrading relationship with his superior.

A voice raised to show passion may be very inspiring. To the extent that other’s change when inspired, this raised voice is powerful. A voice raised in a way that may be interpreted as angry, derisive, rejecting, belittling, etc. is ineffective and is not powerful.

I need to keep reminding myself, “If I am really powerful, people will pay attention.”